Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Letting It Go

If you have never heard of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) it is basically the rewiring of your brain. I was around this term a lot as the therapists that I worked for previously used it quite often on their clients. It wasn't until recently however that I realized how much I need to rewire my brain.

I have the Line A Day book that I write in every night before heading off to bed. It's a few blank lines that you can write a brief note/summary/thought of the day. (Highly recommend this, find it here.)

This past week I've had a happy home experience. Husband and I have been having lots of enjoyable nights of movies and time together. I even gave one of his video games a shot and surprisingly enjoyed myself. I've been more aware of my surroundings as well and have admired beautiful sunrises over the marsh lands and water on the drive to work. A beautiful flower here, a happy looking squirrel there. But my work life is another experience.

I'm having trouble fitting in and haven't had many great days in the past couple of weeks for various reasons. So much so that I've had quite a few days where I just felt like coming home for a good cry. And it is those experiences that I choose to write in the journal, without thought or intention.  When I open the book, I write the first thought and it's usually a work woe. "I don't feel welcome by coworkers." "A patient insulted me." "I made so many mistakes, I felt like a dunce." These are close to the things I've been writing.

And it wasn't until Husband called me out on it one night, looking over my shoulder, that I realized I write more depressing thoughts/feelings than happy ones. Having such a good row of happy days away from work... why was I solely focusing on that part of my life? Looking back in the journal, do I really want to read all of that again? Remember the loneliness and frustration at work? Or do I want to remember that leaf that rode home with me on my windshield. The laugh Husband and I had over a video we watched. The nice telephone call I had with my dad.

So today I will choose joy. And tomorrow. I will make a conscious decision, every day, to choose happiness over negativity. I will try my darnedest to let things roll off my back. To accept things as they are when I have no way of changing them. This day will never happen again. If I failed in finding my joy, I don't have to carry this day with me every again. Wrap it up, bury it and keep walking towards the sun.

Side Note: If you are interested in CBT, I find these worksheets to be helpful:

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